Since I don't really have anything fun, or interesting to say, I've decided that maybe I'm just better off passing off my infinite wisdom to y'all, my faithful readers. Here's one for today:
How To: Have a good day at work when you hate your job
1) Show up Late: This is really key to any great day. Showing up late is one way to ensure that you have to do even less work than you currently are trying to avoid. This works even better if you have a boss who is completely oblivious or a moron (common) due to the fact that it will make it easier to repeat the offense.
2) Spend Quality Time in the Morning With Your Blog/Internet/Otherwise: A guarunteed productivity killer. Blogging about hating your job is ill-advised though, b/c employers will fire you for your transgressions, and let's face it; your job may suck, but being poor probably sucks worse. Frequenting your favorite sites in the morning helps keep you from having to waste time doing it after work, when you could be doing more important things, like watching TV, or drinking.
3) Take At Least 1 Break Per Hour: Another key to maintaining sanity. Really, you're probably either working relatively hard, or so annoyed by the stupidity of your coworkers that you need to take time to breathe and get away from them on a regular basis. This is really only for your mental health. It helps to take up smoking if you want to maximize this practice, b/c nobody argues with a smoker who needs their fix.
4) Find Ways to Offensively Question Company Practices and Policies: This will do nothing but entertain your fellow bitter coworkers, offend your bosses (whom you likely don't respect anyways) and help you blow off much needed steam. Be sure to pepper your speech with four letter words and offensive statments about your superiors, really, it makes you feel much better.
5) Shut it Down Half an Hour Early: If you leave at 5, stop doing things at 4:30. Get up, walk around, go to the bathroom, or simply pull up something on your computer that looks work related, and pretend to be all over it, while secretly taking extra peeks at your fantasy football team.
Now, after all of this, you should have hopefully done no more than 2-3 hours of work in an 8 hour day. That is success my friends.
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3 comments:
That was great! Sounds exactly like what I did before I got let go.
Hilarious. Thanks for making me belly laugh, pointing at my screen shouting, "It's funny 'cause it's true!"--just like Homer Simpson would.
Hey, wait just one minute. Who gave you the handbook my friend and why are you sharing it with the entire internet! Great. Now all of our bosses will know what to look for in lazy, apathetic employees like us. Thanks.
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