Hoping for Justice

Fair Warning Time: This post probably won't be very funny. I know, I post once a darn month, and now I'm going to try and get all serious? At least the title sounds kind of comic bookish, right?

Anyway, as a lot of you who see me or talk to me on a regular basis know, back in February, a high-school classmate of mine, Lindsay Graygo, was murdered in her apartment. It was a really tough thing to hear, being that in HS, this girl lived right up the street from me. Further, I pretty much grew up with this person, as we attended elementary, middle, and HS together. We played soccer together as kids. We weren't especially close, but we had a number of close mutual friends, enough that I was truly troubled by the circumstances surrounding her death. I wasn't anything resembling her best friend, but I knew her well enough to know that she was truly a happy, caring, good person. And, this stuff shouldn't happen to good people. Even more, when you grow up in a relatively upper middle class community like the one we did in Erie, you don't think of this kind of thing happening, even as we've spread out to all corners of the country over the past 10 years.

What made it all the more troubling was that b/c she had only lived in Michigan for a little over a year, she wasn't very close with a lot of people, making it hard for the police to draw any conclusions about probable suspects. As recently as a week ago, it seemed like this was going to end up being one of those unsolved crimes. The police certainly hadn't released much information publicly about their investigation into the crime. It made sense, really, as this isn't a necessarily high profile case, no matter how much the Erie and McDowell High School community, along with her friends from her State College days, and her brief time in Michigan care about the outcome.

Then, yesterday, I was checking my email, and whatnot, and I realized I hadn't checked lately to see if there had been more news, and I went and looked. Talk about timing: They made an arrest yesterday in the case. Of course, it might not mean much, but they do have a DNA match, and the guy did live in the same complex, and moved out shortly after the crime was committed.

Of course, after all of this, we still need to hope that the police have the right person (which seems likely after a DNA match). After that, we have to hope that there aren't any mistakes made in the investigation, and that this all leads to a conviction for the crimes he is currently charged with, not some garbage plea bargain deal.

Then, we have to live with the fact that no jail sentence is going to undo what's been done. I can only hope that it helps bring a sense of closure to those who's lives have been impacted by this senseless crime.

Things you Want Out of your Inbox Vol. 37

Those of you that have a Yahoo email account know that is has a feature that allows you, when you're logged into your Yahoo account, to simply scroll over the mail link, and get a drop down that will show you the senders of the last 4 messages, with the begining of the subject line. Of course, it's a small window, so it can't give you a full subject line. Now, I really only use this account for my online purchasing, as I set up my accounts with Amazon and Ebay and what not using that address, and frankly, I"m too lazy to change it. SO, I get a lot of junk mail there, most of it useless stuff that doesn't get a second glance.

Nevertheless, imagine my surprise when I was at work the other day, and happened to absently scroll over the link and saw this as one of the messages:

Sender Subject
Tiffany & Co. New Tiffany Cock

Yeah, that's where it got truncated. Apparently, it was for cocktail rings, as I found out when I had a chance to actually see the whole subject line later in the day.

Of course, those of you that know what's going on with me lately can imagine what I saw the first time I read this, when the subject read to my eyes "Tiffany's New Cock". Then, I refocused and thought that the email was simply about Tiffany's selling cock rings......and somehow that made me feel better......

Tuned In

Well, since I haven't posted in a while, and needed some inspiration, I'm stealing from Sarah and doin a music post of my own. Let's face it, it's been a REALLY long time since I've posted anything, even longer since I did a music related post, and I was overdue for both.

Besides, it's been a rough few weeks around these here parts, which usually leads to me drowning my sorrows in music (and Captain Morgan. and Dortmunder. And...well you get the idea).

I don't have time to get all HTML link crazy and imbed those, so if you want to check out these bands, you'll have to dig them up the old fashioned way, by downloading them illegally. (Just kidding RIAA! Kids, go to iTunes, stealing is bad! Don't arrest me!)

Anyway, here's some of the stuff that's been in heavy rotation on my iPod:

What Made Milwuakee Famous: Blood, Sweat, and Fears--- Apparently these guys have been cool before this year, as this is off of their second album. Heck, they played on ACL as part of a episode with Franz Ferdinand back in '05. How much more indie rock cred do you need? Frankly, this entire CD is very good. It's very straight ahead modern rock n' roll, and the fact that I like it is probaby some indication that I'm getting old, even if it is dubbed "indie rock" There's another really good song on this album called The Other Side at the end of the disc.

Panic at The Disco: Mad as Rabbits--- I was literally almost drooling on myself when I downloaded this album. No really, I had to get a cavity refilled a couple of weeks ago, and they had to numb my mouth, so I was spitting a lot when I talked. And, since I was waiting around to be allowed to eat anything, b/c the doctor was afriad I'd bite my tongue off, I remember I needed this one. This is actually the last song on the album, and the one that's probably most like some of the stuff off the first album. Honestly though, if you buy this one expecting all the angry, angsty punk of the first one, you'll be disappointed, and then happily surprised, b/c it's just a good song. The whole album is way more upbeat and melodic than the first.

Jack Johnson: Sleep Through the Static--- Hey, it's my inner hippie coming through. Again, this album is spectacular, but this song especially works for me. When I first heard Jack was "plugging in" for his this album, I got a little nervious, I'll admit. However, it's a very well constructed song, and besides, it really is just about blasting the Bush administration, and the war etc....How can you not be on board with that these days?

Kimya Dawson: Chemistry--- Okay, I know, now I really should stop showering and eschew plastic bags at the grocery store, right? I got hooked on her after I saw Juno (she did most of the soundtrack, as if you didn't know that). This is my fav song of hers right now. Granted, that seems to change about every 2 weeks for me, but still. The music is so simple, and the lyrics aren't much more complex, but they just fit together.

My Chemical Romance: I Never Told You What I Do for a Living--- Yeah, I just went from back to back hippie tree hugger songs to a track about murder. It's nice how I keep you guys on your toes like that right? No, this is just a good and angry song, which may or may not be healthy. Actually, I usually have to listen to this song right after I listen to this next one......

Damien Rice: Volcano--- You know what's nice? When your g/f makes you a mix CD for your birthday, and then decides a week later she's not going to be your g/f anymore. Listen, I can make my own break up mixes, thank you very much. If John Cusak can handle it, I sure as heck can. Great, now I have a disc with a bunch of songs I like but can't listen to without a six pack within reach. Thanks.

Jack's Mannequin: Last Straw--- I agree with Sarah that the new Jack's Mannequin CD can't come out soon enough, though I'm lamenting that it will do well and quite possibly mean the end all of Something Corporate. Either way, the first time I heard this song was when we went to see Jack's last year, and then I tracked it down like 8 minutes after I got home. It's actually another break-up type song, mixed with a cheapie at the president. Nice combo.

Fall Out Boy: Beat It--- What's better than Michael Jackson? Punk bands covering Michael Jackson. I saw the video for this the other day, and thought two things:

1) They still make videos, really? Who shows these? Where does MTV have room in its schedule between reruns of "The Hills", "My Super Stuck-Up Sixteen", and "I'll Do ANYTHING to be on television. I mean, ANY. THING." (also known as seasons 6-20 of the Real World.)
and
2) If a video was an absolute classic, like say, anything Michael did in the early to mid-80s, then a band covering the song shouldn't even bother trying to make a video. It just makes the whole thing look silly. Rappers can get away with it b/c all they do is steal music and beats from each other, but for rock/pop music? Bad idea.

Regardless, it's a nice take on the song, and more upbeat than half of what I just mentioned up here. I'm curious if any of you guys are listening to any of this stuff....

Settling Up? or Down?

So, ten months between posts isn't so bad, is it? Right? *Taps my imaginary microphone* Is this thing on?

Anyway, since my last post was about something that was so depressing (VA Tech), and I was tired of seeing that hanging out there, I knew that I needed to put something else up.

And then I realized: I have NO ideas. We all know that I don't love talking about myself, except to complain, so topical stuff was kind of hard to come up with.

Then, I read the post, and the comments from Sarah's VD Blog

And, I had material.

Let me first state that I went and read said article in The Atlantic before coming up with any of the thoughts that I'm going to spell out here. So, before I get bashed, castrated, and labeled a moron, let's be clear.

First, I'd like to lead off with this: To all the people, women or otherwise, decrying the author as anti-feminist, anti-progressive, and a passive, useless c-word: Shut. Up.

Let's remember something about writing, since most of us fancy ourselves as writers in some form or another. An author, especially one who writes shorter columns, has one main goal: To keep you interested enough to finish the column, and evoke enough of a reaction that you'll read her next offering. And, even if you hate what she had to say, and wish her strung up by her ovaries, the author is getting exactly the desired results. I guarantee that people will read her next piece, simply to find something else to hate about her.

She did this by using what must be the most reviled word in the entire world when it comes to the female outloo on relationships: Settling. I'm sure the mere mention of the word puts fire in the bellies of most women.

Our generation (late 20s, early 30s), has been raised with the preconcieved notion that we deserve the "best" of everything. You know what? I don't hesitate to agree with that.

Here's the problem. In that conditioning, we've been convinced that the "best" we are searching for has to be nothing short of perfection, whatever that means. In that, we have created all of these unreasonable expectations for ourselves. For men, it often comes in the form of career fulfillment. For women, it comes in the form of maternal and marital measures. Part of that is simple biology, no matter how much we've evolved over the past thousands of years.

Women, at least in my experience, especially the ones that claim that they can't ever meet the right guy, can't do so b/c they are A) Sensitive to the perception others will have of their choice of mate and B) set on finding this mythical "perfect" guy that doesn't exist.

On A) I'd like to think that this dissapates as we all age, on both sides. We are all far too superficial of a generation for our own good. From the women I know, I have heard plenty of statements that just make me wonder what planet they are searching for guys on. So, just in general, let me provide some general thoughts.

Just b/c he's a pilot, or a doctor, or a scientist doesn't mean that they are more interesting. It means they happen to be really smart, and have an acumen for something that the majority of society doesn't. It doesn't mean that they are more thoughtful, communicative, or dedicated. Their upbringing and their personality determine that.

A guy who was a big time athlete, or in the military, or participates in some other lifestyle that assures an abundance of testosterone and physicality, isn't necessarily going to be a better compromiser, provider, and partner than someone who's never shot a gun, made a tackle, or punched a guy for looking at him funny.

The fact is, I think women approach these situations in ways that are destined to cause pain. They see the superficial factors (job, looks, etc), and think to themselves "That's fine, I'll just fix whatever I don't like. Besides, if my friends and better yet, my enemies are jealous, isn't that half the battle?"

Guess what? If a guy doesn't like to talk, he's not going to just b/c you keep hammering him to do so. If a guy doesn't listen, he's not going to start just b/c your mouth is on overdrive. If a guy doesn't have an interest in learning and improving himself, you're not going to be able to hit him in the head with a book everyday and expect him to start reading it.

The more likely option is that you're going to a) give up and move on, or b) give up and "settle"

The thing is, settling has gotten this connotation that it's a BAD thing. It's like accepting defeat.

All this author was trying to get across is that there is no such thing as "the perfect partner" To draw an analogy, it's like saying there are "perfect teammates" in a team sport. I had the fortune of playing with a few guys for the better part of 10 years coming up through the little leagues to high school and traveling teams. And you know what? I wouldn't have deemed any of them as "perfect" Some weren't aggressive enough for my tastes. Others didn't work as hard as I thought they could in practice. But, whenever I had the choice, I chose to play with some of these guys b/c I trusted that they would always give their all on the field.

And really, at the end of the day, isn't that what women want, or are said to want? Really, having someone who has the same goals as you, the same ideals, and will work hard to help you both achieve them? So what if you don't always have the same way of going about things? Isn't that where compromise comes in? Or has the feminist movement that I keep hearing about pushed you so far in one direction that every aspect of your life has to be done on YOUR terms, at YOUR pace, and with YOUR goals as the only desirable results?

As for the case Lisa brought up in Sarah's blog, about the couple in the library where she works: That women hadn't settled. She GAVE UP. Probably as a result of getting knocked up. (Remember: Don't be a fool, wrap your tool)

Here's a relatively simple example, and then, I promise, I'll get off my soapbox: In my opinion, the girl I'm currently dating can sometimes be polite to a fault, in certain social situations. In her opinion, I'm a bull in a china shop in the same settings (yes, this is pretty much true). It drives each other nuts, b/c she worries about me embarrassing myself, and I worry about people taking advantage of her. Could we both stand to move a little bit in the others' direction? Absolutely. Do either of us want to? Not necessarily. Chances are though, we'll both get there, simply b/c we see benefits in taking on certain aspects of each others personalities. And, in the cases where we don't act quite the way the other would hope, we'll learn to shrug and say "they're not a bad person, that's just who they are".

And that's the point. Yes, I've been hammering at women, b/c that's the topic of the article. However, in reality, those of us who claim that we can't find a way to be happy need to stop chasing that white unicorn, and learn to appreciate the people who are around us for what they are.

No Adequate Title Came to Mind Here

I know, I know, it's been damn near a month since I've written anything here for the 5 (maybe 6?) of you that still check this spot on the occasional basis, and for that, I apologize.

I could give some mundane updates about the job, life in general, or the shabby state my apartment has undertaken since I started working a full-time job again. Then I spent the last 30 hours or so peeking at the TV, CNN.com, and any other place that had more information about yesterday’s tragedy at Virginia Tech. From there, I realized that:

a)my problems are pretty simple by comparison and
b)some of the Big Mouths that offer barely informed opinions on TV are going to have a field day with this. You have to almost think that some of them are absolutely are simply salivating at the prospect of deconstructing these events. It’ll mean big ratings, and even bigger exposure.

Perhaps it is because I’m only a few years removed from college, or perhaps because I went to a quiet, reserved campus, in a safe area, that I feel very moved by this whole thing.

Even at a cursory glance, it’s obvious that there will be plenty to debate about, and for all the yapping, a whole lot of problems will go unsolved.

They’ll talk about all the aspects of this tragedy, till they’ve beaten the story so far into the ground that we’ll forget the fact that this was the worst civilian massacre in the history of this country. We’ll forget the fact that 32 very innocent, contributing members of society were gunned down for no other reason than their mere existence.

They’ll ask: Is there too much violence in our society? Do we need stricter gun controls? Should someone have seen this coming? Did the University do enough to try and prevent the attack from claiming 32 lives as opposed to only 2? How accountable are they?

And you know what? It’s a whole group of questions with zero simple answers, no matter what some makeup wearing, loud-voiced- jackass, and his louder mouthed, hair-piece wearing counter part will want you to believe.

First of all, I don’t think that there was any way that anyone could have seen this coming. The angle that a lot of the news agencies are taking on this at this point is that the man who did this had shown a lot of disturbed ideas in his writings. They were disturbing to the point that the head of his English department had referred him to go to counseling at the school. Therefore, someone obviously saw signs of a troubled individual, and they made an attempt to help him, as a representative of the university. Being able to foretell an incident of this nature, from that information, would have been next to impossible. People will compel the authorities and the university to release the man’s writings, under the guise of “perhaps we can find clues so this won’t happen again”.

However, he was an adult, and an adult with no prior history of violence or aggression, no less. He was not obligated to go to any type of counseling beyond being compelled by a concerned educator. Judging from the small excerpts of writings that have been released, he seemed to have a problem with the culture that surrounded him. If that’s the case, and I can only go by the little bit that’s out there, then it’s entirely possible that he would have resisted any type of therapy, instead choosing to believe that it was the rest of the world that had a problem.

Additionally, it will be very hard to say whether or not Virginia Tech, as an institution, did enough to protect its students in the two hours that elapsed between the dorm shooting, and the attacks at Norris Hall. As one friend very astutely pointed out to me, according to the Clery Act, which has been around since 1990, a school is required to give a “timely warning” to students. According to the website for the act: “The timely warning requirement is somewhat subjective and is only triggered when the school considers a crime to pose an ongoing "threat to students and employees"”.

What will be called into question then, is if Va Tech reacted quickly enough. I’d like to think that they did the best that they could with the information that they had available. Think of it in these terms: Most college administration buildings don’t open until 8 am. The average college student, I’d wager, doesn’t get up until 8 am, and that’s if they have a 9 am class. That’s for the on campus kids. The commuters are already on the road around 8 am, making sure they get places to park for their 9 o’clocks. The first attack occurred at 7:15 AM. Chances are, in this case, that the first attack had more “direction” to it, if you will. The victims were a woman and a ‘companion’, if I recall correctly. Therefore, chances are, in this case, that the shots probably woke up students in the surrounding rooms, giving the shooter plenty of time to stow two pistols in his backpack and make his way out of the building, relatively unnoticed.

The best-case scenario from this point is that 911 receives a call around 7:25ish, meaning cops hopefully show up by 7:30-7:35. If they are lucky, an administrator gets tracked down via cell phone around 7:35-7:40, on his or her way into the office, most likely. At that point, the most anyone can hope for is that the administrators get some information together and get something out to the streets by maybe 8:30. Even then, all they know is that two people got shot, and the gunman isn’t accounted for. Even then, an email to the campus, and notification of as many resident assistants and professors as possible, isn’t going to get notification to every student before a little after 9, especially on a campus that big.

Remember, not everyone checks his or her email all throughout the day, even on a college campus. Between shuttling through to classes, stopping at the dining hall, etc, there’s a good chance that not a lot of people would have gotten the information all that much more quickly. By then, most likely, the killer was already very close to, or already at the classroom building where the worst of the killings occurred. Perhaps they could have made it happen faster, however, I find it hard to blame the university for the deaths of the students in Norris Hall.

However, there will be those who blame the university. They will get lawyers, big time, flashy, good lawyers. The type of lawyers that can win big judgments against negligent parties. Virginia Tech will get sued, the Clery act will be cited, and experts will be called to testify. Some will say that the school did all it could; some will say that they were too slow, and they cost students and professors their lives.

Somewhere along the line, most likely, a jury, or better, a group of juries, will award a lot of money to families of the survivors. It will be said that they deserve to be compensated for their loss, and additionally, that the awards will serve to “send a message” to not only Virginia Tech, but schools across the country that they must be swift to act in situations such as these.

I certainly don’t feel that either of those above statements have much validity to them. A cash award has never put a family back together, to my knowledge. It definitely won’t bring someone back from the dead. I can only hope that if there are financial considerations paid to those who lost loved ones that the recipients of those awards will use that money to help build foundations, and push for social change in whatever area they see fit. Perhaps they can push for greater control over the types of weapons that are available to the general public, or more research on the links between depression and violent criminal outbursts in adolescents and young adults. In that, they would be following the lead of those who fostered the Clery Act, and affecting some positive out of this.

Furthermore, in regards to the notion of “sending a message”, I would hope that doing so financially would only serve to put a very small exclamation point on a very loud statement. I don’t believe for a second that any university administrator that has seen the images on TV, read the accounts online and in the paper, and listened to reports on the radio, doesn’t already have every available resource towards reevaluating their schools’ plans for dealing with incidents like this. Whether its for self preservation, or better yet, I hope, for the notion of protecting valued young lives, I wouldn’t think that any administrator would want to see anything even closely resembling this nightmare taking place on their campuses.

And that, right there, kids, is the scariest thought. The fact that this can, and probably will happen again is right there in front of us. We live in a country of 275 million people. The majority of them are law abiding, decent people, who are just doing what they can with what they’ve got. There are some bad ones too. Before anyone feels too badly for this individual, calling him a tortured soul, etc. remember that he had to go through the steps to acquire these weapons, and take the time to at least plan out some of the events that would take place.

The bottom line of all this is that there are a lot of families out there going through an unspeakable amount of grief. This applies not only to the families of the victims, but the friends, and families of their friends whose children will most likely never look at the world, or their university, the same way ever again.

Just Because

I probably don't have any real reason to blog tonight, other than the fact that I want to try and be a little more consistent with updating this thing, like I used to be, way back when I started it almost 2 years ago.

You'd think that, all things considered, I might actually have a few things to write about, considering that in the last few weeks I've gotten a job, gotten my diploma (hi $30,000 piece of paper), celebrated a birthday, got an iPod, and started going to the gym on a more regular basis. That's a lot of shit that I could have talked about.

And yet, I totally don't. This is mostly a self imposed pressure, but because I know most of my friends read this at some point or another, I feel compelled to keep this nice and light, and entertaining, and funny. (Even though I'm the opposite of funny, really)

Strangely though, the fact remains is that when I started to learn that I liked to write, or had any ability to do so, a long time ago, I did it as a kind of catharsis for when I had bad days, or weeks, or whatever. Truthfully, that wouldn't play here, for a number of reasons. See, when I was taking writing classes in HS, it was the opportunity to be autobiographical without being blatantly so. I wasn't a very skilled writer then (not that I am more of one now), so I'm sure it seemed pretty obvious when I was referring to certain things. This, however, this blog, has always been unabashedly self-referrential, so when I have a bad day, or negative thoughts, they are on display for everyone to see, should I choose to write about them, which, as you may have noticed, I try not to as much anymore.

That's the thing, as I've grown as a person, and learned that I don't always have to wear my emotions on my sleeve, I've become better at putting at least a tolerable face on the days that I don't feel that great. And, we all have those days. The ones where things just don't feel quite right. Where you don't feel right in your own skin, where you question the decisions that have placed you at the station that you are in life, and wonder about your self-worth.

I had one of those days today. And it's not that I couldn't talk to almost any of my friends about it, b/c I know that I could. Generally speaking, they are a wonderful group of people, each in their own way. It's just that, what's the point? There are certain things that don't change overnight, no matter what anyone says. But, if I don't say anything and then write about it here, I wonder that isn't that just the same as telling everyone I know about it?

That's all, just kind of needed to get that off my chest.....

(oh, and Duke lost tonight in the first round of the tournament, so, you know, if the sun didn't come up tomorrow, for whatever reason, I suppose that wouldn't be all bad....)

When the Summer of George isn't Summer Anymore.

Hey, guess what? It's about 20 degrees out, so being off work isn't as much fun anymore. It's kind of hard to go sit out on your deck and have a drink when that activity would require one to bundle up and shovel the deck just for the privelege of feezing my ass of outside. So, what I'm saying is, I'm not enjoying the being out of work thing as much anymore.

Another sign that I'm not enjoying it? I'm contemplating taking the big jar on my fridge that I throw change in and marking it "March Rent". I'm guessing my landlord wouldn't appreciate being paid in a sock full of quarters though. Just my opinion.

Oh, and in referrence to Sarah's comments about my Pictionary drawings? Be careful, I might just end up going mute the next time I'm on your team, and then you won't have my seriously sick guessing abilities. I'm just saying.

Also, and this is random, but I watched the documentary Wordplay the other night, the one about the American Crossword Puzzle championships and the people that construct the puzzles and stuff. And honestly, I thought it was really interesting. So, now I've moved from Sudoku to crossword puzzles.

Between that and the change jar? I'm officially my grandfather. Someone bring me a vodka-tonic and a bowling ball. Oh wait, I already have all of those items in my apartment. Kill me now.

Four More Days....

Am I the only person in the world that is seriously growing impatient with waiting for the new season of '24' to start? After plowing through Season 5 in a mere three days, thanks to that lovely flu bug, I've developed a nervous tic everytime I see a commercial or a teaser for it on Fox. It doesn't help that they carry the NFL playoffs, and they had the national title game this week, (which, by the way, I'm NOT going to dicuss, ever. I don't even think it actually happened) so therefore I've seen approximately 1,398,469 teasers for the show. What's probably most sad is that plotting out my Mondays to watch 24 is the most structure I'll have had in a month. This is probably not a good thing, at least until I start working again.

At least it's almost the weekend, and I can somewhat put the job hunt on the back burner for a day or two. I've gotten into such a rut of getting up in the morning, checking email, eating some breakfast, and then some combination of doing whatever needs done around the house and spending a good 4 hours or more a day looking for jobs that by the time the weekend rolls around, I don't want to think about it for a while.

How long has this been going on? Let's put it this way, according to my iTunes, I have 8 days worth of music on there, and in the last 3 weeks, I've plowed through most of it, even the stuff I really hate. I'm just saying, I didn't even know I HAD Air Supply on there.

Fortunately, I'm looking forward to this weekend. I have a date on Friday, with someone that I've gone out with a few times already and like, but we've had to cancel out on each other the last two weeks b/c we took turns getting sick. I think ti's going to be a pretty low key dinner-and-movie thing, but we have fun when we hang out, so I don't think it matters what we do.

However, here's the thing with doing the dinner and a movie thing. At least for me.

Problem #1- Late movies (the after 9pm starts) are almost night killers, as far as I'm concerned. You get out of the theater at 11:30 or something, after being anchored ass-to-chair for 2+ hours, you don't really feel like doing much.

Problem #2- I HATE being rushed through dinner, esp on a Friday night. There's a time to rush through dinner, and a date when you've first started seeing someone is NOT the time. Unfortunately, since the theaters start most of the movies between 7 and 7:30 you're either going to rush through dinner, or you're going to dinner at like 5. With the seniors. No thanks. I mean, really, can I get a movie that starts at 8:15? Seriously.

So, I'm voting for an earlier showtime and a later dinner. Obviously, it's not all up to me, but that's the suggestion I'm going in with.

Unfortunate

So, this newly discovered patience that I have allowed myself in the job search, the one that keeps me from taking the first thing that comes down the line, and hopefully means that I'll end up getting something that is at the very least a good career move and financially rewarding, has had it's side effects.

Ever since I've stopped working, I've been a bit on the bored side, but up until about 3 weeks ago, school took good care of that, believe me.

Bored is the least of my troubles though, at this point. It's been a long couple of weeks, between getting the flu, arguing with certain people, and my own personal touch of neurosis that I hold so dear to my heart.

Left to my own devices, and too much free time, I'm very capable of over thinking, over-analyzing, and over worrying things. The unpleasant offshoot of this is that I end up hiding in my house, listening to angry music, and feeling crappy about myself. And, as usual, it's a direct result of worrying too much about what other people think, or how they feel. Such is life.

Five Days In, And......

Well, I promised myself that this would be not only a new year, but a new perspective. I would accomplish more. I would worry less, and all the little pitfalls that I've tripped over in the past would remain there. You know, in the past, and all that. Instead, I catch myself doing more of the same. Worrying, thinking that I don't measure up.

Maybe it's the fact that I haven't been gainfully employed for 6+ months.

Maybe it's the year and something without a meaningful relationship, or even a hint of one.

Maybe I'm just too hard on myself, in general.

I want so badly to succeed in every aspect of my life, that I kill myself over it if I'm not doing well in any/all of them.

It's silly, and it's hard, b/c I can't change, completely, obviously. I know the standards and whatnot that I hold myself too, and they aren't limited, that's for sure. I guess I'm just frustrated, b/c I feel like I'm putting a decent amount of effort in to certain things, both personally and professionally, and feel as though I'm just beating my head against the wall. And that's not an easy thing. When you care about someone or something, you want to feel some kind of reciprication, or reward, in return, otherwise, it feels helpless, worthless, and just plain silly.

Sickly

Well, how's this for a turn of events?

So, somewhere along the line, within the last hour or so, while I was having a drink with some friends, I started to feel sick. Not like a little sick, either. More like, drop to your knees stomach pain and throwing up sick.

I have no idea what I ate, or what I did to myself, but I haven't felt this awful in a long freaking time. Maybe it's just the culmination of stress and not sleeping enough, etc etc, but man, not good times. Hopefully, I'll feel better soon, b/c there are somethings I'd really like to do this weekend.....

Moving Forward

I reread that post and realized that it might have sounded, I don't know, a tad on the angry side. That honestly wasn't directed at most of the peolple that I know read this blog. Most of you are good friends in some way, and have been supportive of me as I've gone through all the stuff that's happened this year. Most of the people who have doubted me are people from my past professional life, and people in my personal life that I've put far behind me, for obvious reasons.

So, that's that.

I AM done with school though. Graduated, etc. Well, not technically graduated, but I never have to take another class again. So that's the good news.

Last nights final was no picnic, that's for sure. I handed in my blue book (yeah, really, a blue book, in grad school) and said to the professor "Well played sir, well played" And left.

Today is the true catharsis of the whole thing, where I get to throw out all of my old papers and what not. That's the most fun. That, and listing my books on Amazon so I can get some money out of them.

This is the End, my Only Friend, the End.....

My last final ever ended 6 hours ago. I'm done. I have my MBA. I acheived, in spite of those who said I couldn't, who said I wouldn't.

I made it, on my own, of my own volition. To those who tried to stop me, who tried to hurt me along the way.....you can't. You won't. You never will. To the people who pretended to care when it was really all about their own personal gain...I know. You're sad, you're fake, and for the garbage pain you've inflicted on me, may you get it back tenfold.