Settling Up? or Down?

So, ten months between posts isn't so bad, is it? Right? *Taps my imaginary microphone* Is this thing on?

Anyway, since my last post was about something that was so depressing (VA Tech), and I was tired of seeing that hanging out there, I knew that I needed to put something else up.

And then I realized: I have NO ideas. We all know that I don't love talking about myself, except to complain, so topical stuff was kind of hard to come up with.

Then, I read the post, and the comments from Sarah's VD Blog

And, I had material.

Let me first state that I went and read said article in The Atlantic before coming up with any of the thoughts that I'm going to spell out here. So, before I get bashed, castrated, and labeled a moron, let's be clear.

First, I'd like to lead off with this: To all the people, women or otherwise, decrying the author as anti-feminist, anti-progressive, and a passive, useless c-word: Shut. Up.

Let's remember something about writing, since most of us fancy ourselves as writers in some form or another. An author, especially one who writes shorter columns, has one main goal: To keep you interested enough to finish the column, and evoke enough of a reaction that you'll read her next offering. And, even if you hate what she had to say, and wish her strung up by her ovaries, the author is getting exactly the desired results. I guarantee that people will read her next piece, simply to find something else to hate about her.

She did this by using what must be the most reviled word in the entire world when it comes to the female outloo on relationships: Settling. I'm sure the mere mention of the word puts fire in the bellies of most women.

Our generation (late 20s, early 30s), has been raised with the preconcieved notion that we deserve the "best" of everything. You know what? I don't hesitate to agree with that.

Here's the problem. In that conditioning, we've been convinced that the "best" we are searching for has to be nothing short of perfection, whatever that means. In that, we have created all of these unreasonable expectations for ourselves. For men, it often comes in the form of career fulfillment. For women, it comes in the form of maternal and marital measures. Part of that is simple biology, no matter how much we've evolved over the past thousands of years.

Women, at least in my experience, especially the ones that claim that they can't ever meet the right guy, can't do so b/c they are A) Sensitive to the perception others will have of their choice of mate and B) set on finding this mythical "perfect" guy that doesn't exist.

On A) I'd like to think that this dissapates as we all age, on both sides. We are all far too superficial of a generation for our own good. From the women I know, I have heard plenty of statements that just make me wonder what planet they are searching for guys on. So, just in general, let me provide some general thoughts.

Just b/c he's a pilot, or a doctor, or a scientist doesn't mean that they are more interesting. It means they happen to be really smart, and have an acumen for something that the majority of society doesn't. It doesn't mean that they are more thoughtful, communicative, or dedicated. Their upbringing and their personality determine that.

A guy who was a big time athlete, or in the military, or participates in some other lifestyle that assures an abundance of testosterone and physicality, isn't necessarily going to be a better compromiser, provider, and partner than someone who's never shot a gun, made a tackle, or punched a guy for looking at him funny.

The fact is, I think women approach these situations in ways that are destined to cause pain. They see the superficial factors (job, looks, etc), and think to themselves "That's fine, I'll just fix whatever I don't like. Besides, if my friends and better yet, my enemies are jealous, isn't that half the battle?"

Guess what? If a guy doesn't like to talk, he's not going to just b/c you keep hammering him to do so. If a guy doesn't listen, he's not going to start just b/c your mouth is on overdrive. If a guy doesn't have an interest in learning and improving himself, you're not going to be able to hit him in the head with a book everyday and expect him to start reading it.

The more likely option is that you're going to a) give up and move on, or b) give up and "settle"

The thing is, settling has gotten this connotation that it's a BAD thing. It's like accepting defeat.

All this author was trying to get across is that there is no such thing as "the perfect partner" To draw an analogy, it's like saying there are "perfect teammates" in a team sport. I had the fortune of playing with a few guys for the better part of 10 years coming up through the little leagues to high school and traveling teams. And you know what? I wouldn't have deemed any of them as "perfect" Some weren't aggressive enough for my tastes. Others didn't work as hard as I thought they could in practice. But, whenever I had the choice, I chose to play with some of these guys b/c I trusted that they would always give their all on the field.

And really, at the end of the day, isn't that what women want, or are said to want? Really, having someone who has the same goals as you, the same ideals, and will work hard to help you both achieve them? So what if you don't always have the same way of going about things? Isn't that where compromise comes in? Or has the feminist movement that I keep hearing about pushed you so far in one direction that every aspect of your life has to be done on YOUR terms, at YOUR pace, and with YOUR goals as the only desirable results?

As for the case Lisa brought up in Sarah's blog, about the couple in the library where she works: That women hadn't settled. She GAVE UP. Probably as a result of getting knocked up. (Remember: Don't be a fool, wrap your tool)

Here's a relatively simple example, and then, I promise, I'll get off my soapbox: In my opinion, the girl I'm currently dating can sometimes be polite to a fault, in certain social situations. In her opinion, I'm a bull in a china shop in the same settings (yes, this is pretty much true). It drives each other nuts, b/c she worries about me embarrassing myself, and I worry about people taking advantage of her. Could we both stand to move a little bit in the others' direction? Absolutely. Do either of us want to? Not necessarily. Chances are though, we'll both get there, simply b/c we see benefits in taking on certain aspects of each others personalities. And, in the cases where we don't act quite the way the other would hope, we'll learn to shrug and say "they're not a bad person, that's just who they are".

And that's the point. Yes, I've been hammering at women, b/c that's the topic of the article. However, in reality, those of us who claim that we can't find a way to be happy need to stop chasing that white unicorn, and learn to appreciate the people who are around us for what they are.